I always said my epitaph should be "she lived, she loved". Now I'm wondering at who's expense have I lived and loved. Even though I'm the one who has lived my life, I found that I needed to research some of it. My remembrances were not clear. In researching my life, I've figured out some things.
My mother loved me. Yes, she loved my brother more. She understood him. But, she spent a large part of her life and income trying to make it up to me that she loved him more. I took it - sometimes easily, sometimes with dread, sometimes with rancor - but I took whatever she offered. And, I took advantage by knowing that she would offer. She kept trying to fix me and my life. But, she did love me. I just didn't turn out to be what she wanted or expected.
My brother was my hero, my protector, my teacher. He was a whole lot more than I had from any other male relative (or any relative) but he wasn't that grand. I don't know if he had dreams, vocation, or didn't know how to have them. His life was small and full of bravado. A slight man, he tried to increase his power through guns, knives, and violent accessories - black jack, brass knuckles, studded belt. If he had ever tried to fight, his hands would have been broken horribly. His long fingers were beautiful but more suited to guitar and piano than fighting.
My father ran away from responsibility and futility all his life. The eldest son of a mediocre farmer, he did not want to farm. I've seen pictures of him cutting timber - not sure where - huge logs. Perhaps with my maternal grandfather's logging crew. My maternal grandfather was also a bootlegger. My father drank a lot before the war, according to Mom. And, World War II sent him back a miserable alcoholic with nightmares, delusions and straight into a family dependent upon him for their welfare. He tried to farm. He tried to be a carpenter. He failed, and he returned to the Navy. After 12 more years, he failed again and was discharged before retirement - without pension or disability. And, he drank. Then, he became violent. The remainder of his life was alone.
And me? I was the princess, cossetted but never learned responsibility, adored but never learned how to love. I grasped at every opportunity to leave a family where I didn't fit. But, then, I didn't feel as if I fit anywhere. I did love - a lot of people along the way. But, I hurt a lot of people also. I ran from responsibility, I ran from hard work, I ran from people who wanted me to be more than a spoiled brat. I gave a lot of love until I was afraid to give. And, I left. I worked a lot of jobs until I might succeed, then I left. I learned a lot of things until I might have become knowledgeable, then I left.
Being what I think you want me to be is my modus operandi. Leaving is my solution. Depression the chronic malady. Someday I may learn that wherever I go, there I am.
Sunday, May 06, 2012
Saturday, May 05, 2012
A year and some later
It's been more than a year since my last blog. Father, forgive me. I have spent that time isolated from the real world, tucked away in a utopian retirement community where all the houses are essentially the same, most of the people are super conservative politically and Roman Catholic or conservative literalist Christians. And, they are mostly white. The black couple several houses down moved away. The gay couple is selling their house.
Some days I just feel like vomiting. And, other days I enjoy looking at the fancy golf carts, colorful hats, bright flowers and sunshine. Yes, God, you have blessed central Florida with sunshine, and I am grateful. I am also mightily grateful for air conditioning and a well-insulated home. The humidity is relatively low here; we have rolling hills and horse farms; we have little towns; and we have lots of thrift stores. My favorite thrift store is moving, and I have several tubs of stuff to take them when they have finished moving.
The black people I see are glimpsed sitting on crates and smoking around the back doors of restaurants. The Hispanic people are either well-to-do and live in the retirement community or tucked away in rental trailers in isolated mobile home parks. We saw a man riding a beautiful horse this week; we stopped and talked with him. He was Hispanic; I'm told he was from Argentina. I'm also told there are Cubans about, but I don't see them.
So what's it like to live in la-la land? I don't get out much except to eat out. I knit, crochet, read, sit and go to the doctor. We ride out to local lakes sometimes so that I can see water - and touch water - living water. I pet the cat. I take my medicine; I feel better and I've lost 25 lbs. in this past year. But, I may need a knee replacement sometime soon. Second opinion coming up a week from today. So, I don't walk much and I don't do any weight bearing exercise. My body is wearing out before I'm ready for it to do that.
People play golf here - I'm not sure that anyone knows how many golf courses are in the 25 mile radius of us. Too many. They are mostly brown now - greens and tee boxes are green - not enough rain. But everyone's yard is watered once or twice a week (depending on which county you live in and if you know how to adjust your automatic system). Succulents grow well, but petunias are like cut flowers at my house - dying almost as quickly as I buy them.
There are so many clubs for so many reasons that I can't begin to comprehend them all - Indiana Club (and clubs from most other Northern states), Cloggers, Ukelele, Line Dancing, and a heaping handful of knitting/crochet/quilting clubs, art clubs, photography, computer, iPad/iPod, all kinds of singing groups, theatre groups, stamp collectors, snowbirds, orchid - the list is endless. And, many of them have fundraisers for charitable organizations - both national and local. And, there are volunteers, but apparently not enough since every week a new list of organizations seeking volunteers is published.
Did I mention that you can get to 62 different restaurants in your golf cart? My goal for the year is to eat lunch in every "country club" restaurant in the community. I will have to do that more than once a week to make my goal.
I have a few facebook friends locally, and they are mostly raving conservatives who post awful things about the President. I'm not sure they know that gays exist, but I don't see hate posts from them on that topic. They seem convinced that all the country's problems are because we elected a non-American, Constitution-hating, hypocrite who doesn't pay his secretary enough, and has a wife who wears outrageous clothing. No comments about his daughters so far. I refrain from commenting because I just get put-downs when I do. I just delete. But, I do post items that reflect my own thinking; no one comments on them.
The neighbors trimmed their big palm tree last week, and I drove right past my house looking for the big palm tree that I use as a landmark. Now, my landmark is the bright red fire hydrant across the street.
I went to a knitting/crochet club one day for a few hours. People sat in cliques, and I joined one of them, but they talked about their common home town. I haven't been back. I did manage to snag a few skeins of yarn from 7-8 boxes that someone donated from a recently deceased person.
The local paper publishes stories about people in the community along with columns from other retirement communities in the area. It's just too good to be true. Life is one big round of golf, concerts, clubs and eating out. The Barbershop Chorus has members from other area towns and communities; so you don't hear much about their winning third place in the statewide contest or that they sell singing valentines to raise money each year. Bocce and pickleball are big here. And, a bottom banner in the newspaper tells you what pool Heidi Johnson of Chatham Village likes best.
We have family pools, community pools, and some other kind of pool - all designated such by who can swim in them. Your ID card is required when you enter a recreation center and every "village" has one. And, a gate key is necessary to enter, unless you just push the button and get your picture taken. A few gates have attendants whose chief duty seems to be to greet each resident and raise the gate arm for those of us who can't get close enough to the card reader to make the gate open. I think they also record service people who come to work on something for those of us who live here.
Yet, I am content. I am loved and cared for. I have everything I need. I am comfortable. I wonder how long I can stand this.
Some days I just feel like vomiting. And, other days I enjoy looking at the fancy golf carts, colorful hats, bright flowers and sunshine. Yes, God, you have blessed central Florida with sunshine, and I am grateful. I am also mightily grateful for air conditioning and a well-insulated home. The humidity is relatively low here; we have rolling hills and horse farms; we have little towns; and we have lots of thrift stores. My favorite thrift store is moving, and I have several tubs of stuff to take them when they have finished moving.
The black people I see are glimpsed sitting on crates and smoking around the back doors of restaurants. The Hispanic people are either well-to-do and live in the retirement community or tucked away in rental trailers in isolated mobile home parks. We saw a man riding a beautiful horse this week; we stopped and talked with him. He was Hispanic; I'm told he was from Argentina. I'm also told there are Cubans about, but I don't see them.
People play golf here - I'm not sure that anyone knows how many golf courses are in the 25 mile radius of us. Too many. They are mostly brown now - greens and tee boxes are green - not enough rain. But everyone's yard is watered once or twice a week (depending on which county you live in and if you know how to adjust your automatic system). Succulents grow well, but petunias are like cut flowers at my house - dying almost as quickly as I buy them.
There are so many clubs for so many reasons that I can't begin to comprehend them all - Indiana Club (and clubs from most other Northern states), Cloggers, Ukelele, Line Dancing, and a heaping handful of knitting/crochet/quilting clubs, art clubs, photography, computer, iPad/iPod, all kinds of singing groups, theatre groups, stamp collectors, snowbirds, orchid - the list is endless. And, many of them have fundraisers for charitable organizations - both national and local. And, there are volunteers, but apparently not enough since every week a new list of organizations seeking volunteers is published.
Did I mention that you can get to 62 different restaurants in your golf cart? My goal for the year is to eat lunch in every "country club" restaurant in the community. I will have to do that more than once a week to make my goal.
I have a few facebook friends locally, and they are mostly raving conservatives who post awful things about the President. I'm not sure they know that gays exist, but I don't see hate posts from them on that topic. They seem convinced that all the country's problems are because we elected a non-American, Constitution-hating, hypocrite who doesn't pay his secretary enough, and has a wife who wears outrageous clothing. No comments about his daughters so far. I refrain from commenting because I just get put-downs when I do. I just delete. But, I do post items that reflect my own thinking; no one comments on them.
The neighbors trimmed their big palm tree last week, and I drove right past my house looking for the big palm tree that I use as a landmark. Now, my landmark is the bright red fire hydrant across the street.
I went to a knitting/crochet club one day for a few hours. People sat in cliques, and I joined one of them, but they talked about their common home town. I haven't been back. I did manage to snag a few skeins of yarn from 7-8 boxes that someone donated from a recently deceased person.
The local paper publishes stories about people in the community along with columns from other retirement communities in the area. It's just too good to be true. Life is one big round of golf, concerts, clubs and eating out. The Barbershop Chorus has members from other area towns and communities; so you don't hear much about their winning third place in the statewide contest or that they sell singing valentines to raise money each year. Bocce and pickleball are big here. And, a bottom banner in the newspaper tells you what pool Heidi Johnson of Chatham Village likes best.
We have family pools, community pools, and some other kind of pool - all designated such by who can swim in them. Your ID card is required when you enter a recreation center and every "village" has one. And, a gate key is necessary to enter, unless you just push the button and get your picture taken. A few gates have attendants whose chief duty seems to be to greet each resident and raise the gate arm for those of us who can't get close enough to the card reader to make the gate open. I think they also record service people who come to work on something for those of us who live here.
Yet, I am content. I am loved and cared for. I have everything I need. I am comfortable. I wonder how long I can stand this.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
The Christian Year - A Cycle
It's Maundy Thursday - foot washing and altar stripping evening service - perhaps one of the most important Christian liturgies. Humbling ourselves to kneel at ground level and wash the dirty, dust-covered feet of people we may not even know - serving others. We may look up into their eyes; we may focus on the uniqueness of each foot and the variety of creation. We may be silently praying or reflecting on how much we value ourselves.
But this is a night of celebration really. It was Passover, a seder meal celebrating the Hebrews' safe flight from Egypt where they had been slaves. They ate and had some sort of ritual, maybe like the current Jewish Seder, maybe not. But, Jesus put a new twist on it. He took water and washed the feet of his companions as a symbolic gesture of servitude, his putting others before himself. As usual Peter got excited and rebelled, then acquiesced and went overboard with the idea of being washed. I imagine Jesus just kept washing feet.
So, we wash others' feet, symbolic of our servitude and our love of Jesus.
Then, after re-enacting Jesus' action, we take away all the articles of church-hood: we strip the altar and the sacred space of all traces of Christianity. We take away the crosses or cover them with black or red cloth. We remove the candles. We roll up the clean white linen that covers the altar. We remove the decorative coverings of the lector's stand and the Bible. No flowers. No incense. No bread and wine waiting on the table. No vessels. And, then we lower the lights and read Psalm 55 together. The lights go out, and we are left in darkness. "Jesus done left Chicago"...and all Episcopal churches on Maundy Thursday night. The one we believed would save the world has gone, and we, humble in our servitude, are left to carry on.
The disciples hid after Jesus' arrest and were very afraid after his crucifixion. We cannot hide. Most of us will go to work on Friday. The celebration is over. Most of us await the Feast of the Resurrection that we celebrate on Sunday. Our lives go on between Thursday night and Sunday morning. Symbolically, Jesus is not here nor with you or you or you. Jesus is gone. The Saviour is dead. Buried. Smelly and decaying body is all that is left.
This is part of the cycle of the Christian year that began in late November with Advent - the awaiting of the birth of the Christ Child. It's all symbolism. We can have the crucifixion any day of the year without waiting for the church cycle. We can wash feet any time you wish. No calendar is needed to be Christian. Our life events that correspond to the Jesus narrative don't occur on any fixed schedule. If the co-pay on a needed operation is more than we can afford, it's Black Friday, and we hope for Sunday and the resurrection. If a baby is born, it's Christmas and we celebrate with gifts and thanksgiving.
If we choose to follow the church calendar, then we will be in rituals throughout this Holy Week. After Sunday, we will take a little holiday from our efforts. If we choose not to follow the church calendar, then we can celebrate the Seder now with good food, music and dancing. We can save the mourning for times when we sorrow for the evils of life. We can ignore the crucifixion this month or we can live as though Jesus is truly gone. The Feast of the Resurrection is our hope that we can be humble while doing great things as we follow Jesus. But, this church calendar stuff is arbitrary...a schedule fixed by the church bosses long ago. Our lives aren't as neat as this cycle. So mourn tonight if mourning is your time. Dance tonight if dancing is your time. Ecclesiastes says there is a time for everything, but it didn't say that all our times would coincide. So, I'm doing my rejoicing on Maundy Thursday. I'll mourn when the times call for it. But, I'll keep the Feast of the Resurrection always in my heart - for hope is life.
But this is a night of celebration really. It was Passover, a seder meal celebrating the Hebrews' safe flight from Egypt where they had been slaves. They ate and had some sort of ritual, maybe like the current Jewish Seder, maybe not. But, Jesus put a new twist on it. He took water and washed the feet of his companions as a symbolic gesture of servitude, his putting others before himself. As usual Peter got excited and rebelled, then acquiesced and went overboard with the idea of being washed. I imagine Jesus just kept washing feet.
So, we wash others' feet, symbolic of our servitude and our love of Jesus.
Then, after re-enacting Jesus' action, we take away all the articles of church-hood: we strip the altar and the sacred space of all traces of Christianity. We take away the crosses or cover them with black or red cloth. We remove the candles. We roll up the clean white linen that covers the altar. We remove the decorative coverings of the lector's stand and the Bible. No flowers. No incense. No bread and wine waiting on the table. No vessels. And, then we lower the lights and read Psalm 55 together. The lights go out, and we are left in darkness. "Jesus done left Chicago"...and all Episcopal churches on Maundy Thursday night. The one we believed would save the world has gone, and we, humble in our servitude, are left to carry on.
The disciples hid after Jesus' arrest and were very afraid after his crucifixion. We cannot hide. Most of us will go to work on Friday. The celebration is over. Most of us await the Feast of the Resurrection that we celebrate on Sunday. Our lives go on between Thursday night and Sunday morning. Symbolically, Jesus is not here nor with you or you or you. Jesus is gone. The Saviour is dead. Buried. Smelly and decaying body is all that is left.
This is part of the cycle of the Christian year that began in late November with Advent - the awaiting of the birth of the Christ Child. It's all symbolism. We can have the crucifixion any day of the year without waiting for the church cycle. We can wash feet any time you wish. No calendar is needed to be Christian. Our life events that correspond to the Jesus narrative don't occur on any fixed schedule. If the co-pay on a needed operation is more than we can afford, it's Black Friday, and we hope for Sunday and the resurrection. If a baby is born, it's Christmas and we celebrate with gifts and thanksgiving.
If we choose to follow the church calendar, then we will be in rituals throughout this Holy Week. After Sunday, we will take a little holiday from our efforts. If we choose not to follow the church calendar, then we can celebrate the Seder now with good food, music and dancing. We can save the mourning for times when we sorrow for the evils of life. We can ignore the crucifixion this month or we can live as though Jesus is truly gone. The Feast of the Resurrection is our hope that we can be humble while doing great things as we follow Jesus. But, this church calendar stuff is arbitrary...a schedule fixed by the church bosses long ago. Our lives aren't as neat as this cycle. So mourn tonight if mourning is your time. Dance tonight if dancing is your time. Ecclesiastes says there is a time for everything, but it didn't say that all our times would coincide. So, I'm doing my rejoicing on Maundy Thursday. I'll mourn when the times call for it. But, I'll keep the Feast of the Resurrection always in my heart - for hope is life.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Where is God?
This is a panda in Japan being comforted by a man who has probably brought food (see the green plastic bin in his left hand).
When you were afraid, wouldn't it have been nice to be comforted? Didn't you ever want to just hang onto someone in complete disregard for what might be appropriate? And, haven't you ever risked yourself by offering comfort?
The universality of comfort is one of the reasons I believe in God, Immauel (God with us). We humans need far more comfort than other species. We need that God With Us feeling a lot. We need to know that someone is walking beside us to comfort (and to guide) us as we journey through life.
Of course, I know how inappropriate this would be (and probably how smelly), but some days I would just love to curl up in the arms of that panda and be encased in warm fur. God with me in the form of a panda. And other days, I want to reach out and scritch someone's head just to let them know they are not alone; someone cares.
God cares mightily for all of us. God is with all of us. And, I don't know why bad things happen - like earth quakes and tsunamis and nuclear meltdowns. All I know is that God is with us all the time...whether in the man caring for the panda or the panda in need.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Let's talk about wilderness. Let's talk about stability. Let's talk about decisions. Let's talk about Lent. Lent is the time before the Feast of the Resurrection when Christians give up something, take on something, make a change in life that inspires reflections. One year I gave up chocolate, one year Coca-Cola; one year I read and studied a spirituality book. I see that some friends are keeping a gratitude journal all year this year.
I'm in the wilderness again this year. The habit is life-long. I'm always making decisions that land me smack dab in the middle of some quagmire, a searing breathless void, a blowing dirty wind. And, if my life were a murder mystery, I would be leaving a string of dead bodies behind - jobs that could have matured into real professionalism, boxes filled with...filled with heavy rocks of things in my life, credit card debt, stops and starts that cost me time and money, spouses who moved along to other relationships, friends who slipped into the duskiness of a time past. My life is not that kind of story but I do have plastic tubs of memory things. I do have an analysis of lots of decisions that were precipitate. I do still operate on the fight or flight mode, and fighting is not my style. So I flee. Snatched from the jaws of success, happiness, good things.
On the other hand, I have a great sense of humor, a wonderfully creative mind, intuition, a loving heart, a willing hand. I have made positive influences in a lot of lives. Recently, three wonderful young women drifted back into my life - three best friends in high school when they were 16 or 17 and I was a cool Momma figure. I have created programs that helped hundreds of people. I have written words that brought joy and wonder to many. I have hugged and listened and loved all sorts of people.
Lent is very personal to me as you can see. It's the time when I think about and write about all the people I've hurt in life, all the times I've made a mess and failed to clean it up, the dead ends I've pursued, the pain that I and others have suffered because of my decisions.
God is good, all the time. I never face this task alone. I know that God has been along this path before me and with me on other trips along this way. Jesus wandered this path, too. He had to decide what was good and right and reconciling. God and human. Choosing which to use when - or maybe using both all the time and recognizing humanity's abilities and inabilities.
Jesus: Okay, if I turn these stones into bread, I can feed all the hungry people. And, if I can turn these stones into bread, then I could turn them into anything else I want. Ooops, better not go there. Back to the bread and the hungry. Okay, let's see, since I'm human, this body will eventually die. No one else can turn stones into bread and feed the hungry. By then, they'll be dependent on me, and when this body does its "dust to dust" business, they'll be starving again. Okay, turning stones into bread equals bad idea. I could teach them to bake - well, but then they'd need all the supplies and equipment, and the people who have them are going to want something in return. And, I am not a baker anyway. I could learn, but it's not my forte.
Jesus to sharecropper: No, it's not your forte either. We've been down that road together. You did okay with that home repair program for a while, and then you found something that sounded more interesting and you passed that one off to someone else. Did some good while you were on it, but gone by the wayside now. And, remember the Kid's Cafe that you and Miriam cooked up - fed the kids supper, got tutoring (at least some) and helped keep the little kids off the street. That worked out okay for a bit; then we all got tired, and the school took over, but they went under and you don't know what's happening to the kids now, do you?
Jesus: Sigh. Here I am plodding along this path or snake track when I could be sitting in that beautiful pool in the ruler's house in Jerusalem. Why am I doing this? I want a drink of cool water! Now! Ummmm. Thanks, Mrs. Raven. I apologize for shouting. Yes,, yes, I know that producing a cup of cool water out here was not the easiest thing in the world to do. But, why am I out here alone, cold at night, hot in the daytime, dazed from the sun and watching for rattlesnakes? Why don't I have people waiting on me? After all, you know who I am. Sigh. Who am I? Right now, I'm just another Joe doing what thousands have done before me - looking for answers, for my spot in the world. And, I don't occupy that great house or bathe in that pool or have human slaves. I'm out here because I need answers. Last year I was in that fetid swamp doing the same thing. Who was with me then? I've forgotten. Oh yeah, that was sharecropper.
Jesus to sharecropper: Are you back out here again? I thought you had it all figured out. No? You couldn't breathe? Why are you always getting into situations that leave you breathless? You think too quickly. And, you think too much of yourself. A computer guru? Yeah, right. You did well enough on that, but some things are still hanging. Where are you with them right now? You don't know the answers, I see. Hey, computers are not my thing; don't ask me. And, what about your godchildren - those individuals that you promised to help sustain spiritually. Your goddaughter still in that bad neighborhood and not going to church. No transportation, you say. Where are her children who call you Grandma? And, what about that young fellow HIV positive? Have you encouraged him lately to stay off the crack? You're asking me about stability for yourself???? If you'd just stay still long enough you could find out about stability. And, that need you seem to have for chaos and confusion. I'm surprised that you've missed the rattlesnakes as long as you have. Oh, I see the scars. Well, why don't you watch out where you're going? Ask for a little help with that, okay?
Jesus: I'm so special that I could throw myself off this cliff and I wouldn't be hurt when I landed at the bottom. Why I might not even land at the bottom; I could float right back up - like a bungee cord. Tee Hee. Headline: Jesus Experiments with Bungee Jumping. What an attraction that would be! I could get them all out here and do my stunts and then tell them about being one with God and how they can do it, too. Oh, wait. I forgot. They probably couldn't master that bungee jumping stuff without getting killed. And, I don't want to see them dead before they reconcile. Bad idea, I guess. Or maybe, they would see me as their Saviour. That's what I want to be - a saviour. I'm going to go around and save people. I'll solve all their problems and they will realize that God is good all the time. Yep. That's the ticket. Hmmmm. We're back to that business of this body wearing out again and some other details that I'm sure I've forgotten. Maybe that's not the way to be a saviour.
Jesus to sharecropper: You did what? Since last year in the swamp? Tell me about it. You got scared and ran away. Sounds like a good idea to me. Running away when you're scared can be a good thing. But you hurt a lot of people, and you made some bad decisions about money, and you lost most of your friends, and now some people who trusted you think you're a charlatan? Maybe a little more processing time could have helped that situation...a fighting flight is not what was called for. Now you're complaining about ... Oh hush. You know how to do things right and justly. Stop sitting on your bottom and get busy with the things you're good at doing.
I'll see you again later during this journey. Watch out for the snakes, take your time in deciding what you're doing, and get up and do it. See ya later, sharecropper.
sharecropper: Wait, I want to be with you. We can make decisions together. You're good at this stuff. What? Oh yeah, I remember the Passover and what happened to you. I thought that was what was intended. Maybe not? I'm tired of talking about all this sad stuff. Let's sit in the shade during the rest of this hot day and doze. No more decisions or reflections. No snakes right here. Let's just be copacetic for a while. Thanks. a little tent would be good. ZZZZZZZzzzzzzzz
I'm in the wilderness again this year. The habit is life-long. I'm always making decisions that land me smack dab in the middle of some quagmire, a searing breathless void, a blowing dirty wind. And, if my life were a murder mystery, I would be leaving a string of dead bodies behind - jobs that could have matured into real professionalism, boxes filled with...filled with heavy rocks of things in my life, credit card debt, stops and starts that cost me time and money, spouses who moved along to other relationships, friends who slipped into the duskiness of a time past. My life is not that kind of story but I do have plastic tubs of memory things. I do have an analysis of lots of decisions that were precipitate. I do still operate on the fight or flight mode, and fighting is not my style. So I flee. Snatched from the jaws of success, happiness, good things.
On the other hand, I have a great sense of humor, a wonderfully creative mind, intuition, a loving heart, a willing hand. I have made positive influences in a lot of lives. Recently, three wonderful young women drifted back into my life - three best friends in high school when they were 16 or 17 and I was a cool Momma figure. I have created programs that helped hundreds of people. I have written words that brought joy and wonder to many. I have hugged and listened and loved all sorts of people.
Lent is very personal to me as you can see. It's the time when I think about and write about all the people I've hurt in life, all the times I've made a mess and failed to clean it up, the dead ends I've pursued, the pain that I and others have suffered because of my decisions.
God is good, all the time. I never face this task alone. I know that God has been along this path before me and with me on other trips along this way. Jesus wandered this path, too. He had to decide what was good and right and reconciling. God and human. Choosing which to use when - or maybe using both all the time and recognizing humanity's abilities and inabilities.
Jesus: Okay, if I turn these stones into bread, I can feed all the hungry people. And, if I can turn these stones into bread, then I could turn them into anything else I want. Ooops, better not go there. Back to the bread and the hungry. Okay, let's see, since I'm human, this body will eventually die. No one else can turn stones into bread and feed the hungry. By then, they'll be dependent on me, and when this body does its "dust to dust" business, they'll be starving again. Okay, turning stones into bread equals bad idea. I could teach them to bake - well, but then they'd need all the supplies and equipment, and the people who have them are going to want something in return. And, I am not a baker anyway. I could learn, but it's not my forte.
Jesus to sharecropper: No, it's not your forte either. We've been down that road together. You did okay with that home repair program for a while, and then you found something that sounded more interesting and you passed that one off to someone else. Did some good while you were on it, but gone by the wayside now. And, remember the Kid's Cafe that you and Miriam cooked up - fed the kids supper, got tutoring (at least some) and helped keep the little kids off the street. That worked out okay for a bit; then we all got tired, and the school took over, but they went under and you don't know what's happening to the kids now, do you?
Jesus: Sigh. Here I am plodding along this path or snake track when I could be sitting in that beautiful pool in the ruler's house in Jerusalem. Why am I doing this? I want a drink of cool water! Now! Ummmm. Thanks, Mrs. Raven. I apologize for shouting. Yes,, yes, I know that producing a cup of cool water out here was not the easiest thing in the world to do. But, why am I out here alone, cold at night, hot in the daytime, dazed from the sun and watching for rattlesnakes? Why don't I have people waiting on me? After all, you know who I am. Sigh. Who am I? Right now, I'm just another Joe doing what thousands have done before me - looking for answers, for my spot in the world. And, I don't occupy that great house or bathe in that pool or have human slaves. I'm out here because I need answers. Last year I was in that fetid swamp doing the same thing. Who was with me then? I've forgotten. Oh yeah, that was sharecropper.
Jesus to sharecropper: Are you back out here again? I thought you had it all figured out. No? You couldn't breathe? Why are you always getting into situations that leave you breathless? You think too quickly. And, you think too much of yourself. A computer guru? Yeah, right. You did well enough on that, but some things are still hanging. Where are you with them right now? You don't know the answers, I see. Hey, computers are not my thing; don't ask me. And, what about your godchildren - those individuals that you promised to help sustain spiritually. Your goddaughter still in that bad neighborhood and not going to church. No transportation, you say. Where are her children who call you Grandma? And, what about that young fellow HIV positive? Have you encouraged him lately to stay off the crack? You're asking me about stability for yourself???? If you'd just stay still long enough you could find out about stability. And, that need you seem to have for chaos and confusion. I'm surprised that you've missed the rattlesnakes as long as you have. Oh, I see the scars. Well, why don't you watch out where you're going? Ask for a little help with that, okay?
Jesus: I'm so special that I could throw myself off this cliff and I wouldn't be hurt when I landed at the bottom. Why I might not even land at the bottom; I could float right back up - like a bungee cord. Tee Hee. Headline: Jesus Experiments with Bungee Jumping. What an attraction that would be! I could get them all out here and do my stunts and then tell them about being one with God and how they can do it, too. Oh, wait. I forgot. They probably couldn't master that bungee jumping stuff without getting killed. And, I don't want to see them dead before they reconcile. Bad idea, I guess. Or maybe, they would see me as their Saviour. That's what I want to be - a saviour. I'm going to go around and save people. I'll solve all their problems and they will realize that God is good all the time. Yep. That's the ticket. Hmmmm. We're back to that business of this body wearing out again and some other details that I'm sure I've forgotten. Maybe that's not the way to be a saviour.
Jesus to sharecropper: You did what? Since last year in the swamp? Tell me about it. You got scared and ran away. Sounds like a good idea to me. Running away when you're scared can be a good thing. But you hurt a lot of people, and you made some bad decisions about money, and you lost most of your friends, and now some people who trusted you think you're a charlatan? Maybe a little more processing time could have helped that situation...a fighting flight is not what was called for. Now you're complaining about ... Oh hush. You know how to do things right and justly. Stop sitting on your bottom and get busy with the things you're good at doing.
I'll see you again later during this journey. Watch out for the snakes, take your time in deciding what you're doing, and get up and do it. See ya later, sharecropper.
sharecropper: Wait, I want to be with you. We can make decisions together. You're good at this stuff. What? Oh yeah, I remember the Passover and what happened to you. I thought that was what was intended. Maybe not? I'm tired of talking about all this sad stuff. Let's sit in the shade during the rest of this hot day and doze. No more decisions or reflections. No snakes right here. Let's just be copacetic for a while. Thanks. a little tent would be good. ZZZZZZZzzzzzzzz
Thursday, February 03, 2011
What I want
In my youth I was accused of wanting the impossible. In late middle age, I made the impossible happen.
Now I am 65, and what I want most is to be wanted, to have "your" approval, to be important to more than just one someone.
Like most seniors, I have experience in several fields - journalism (writing facts, editing, proofing), photography (first film then digital and computer manipulation), Episcopal church (I know the Episcopal Church), spirituality (everything from Ignation Discernment to Quaker silence to handfasting to mind bending with music or deprivation of sleep), non-profit social services (management, coordination, working with boards, grant writing - everything a small director has to do), lgbtq issues (been there and back again, several times), pain (physical from chronic disease, mental from trying to be whoever you wanted me to be), computer software and some hardware (keeping somewhat up to date - more than most people my age), .....
No one wants my skills now. People say, "Go volunteer." But, many volunteers do menial tasks, necessary but not using their skills or talents...just their presence. Sometimes that's all that God requires - my presence.
"People" say - Just enjoy yourself. Do what you want to do. After so many years of pleasing employers, mother, husbands, female partners, friends - I have little idea what I really want. I can tell what I want by making the mistake of choosing something I don't want. I traded my 5 year old Prius for a new Ford Escape. Then I realized I wanted a Prius; so I lost money to get a new Prius.
I moved to a place where I could have an active lifestyle. Chronic disease said, "No, that's not what you will do. You will long for this, but you will not be able to do it." How to change?
Again, as in youth, I do want the impossible. I want to be me. I hope that I can be me before I die and not the person I think "you" (whoever you are) want me to be. I've done the impossible before. Maybe God will help me do it again.
Now I am 65, and what I want most is to be wanted, to have "your" approval, to be important to more than just one someone.
Like most seniors, I have experience in several fields - journalism (writing facts, editing, proofing), photography (first film then digital and computer manipulation), Episcopal church (I know the Episcopal Church), spirituality (everything from Ignation Discernment to Quaker silence to handfasting to mind bending with music or deprivation of sleep), non-profit social services (management, coordination, working with boards, grant writing - everything a small director has to do), lgbtq issues (been there and back again, several times), pain (physical from chronic disease, mental from trying to be whoever you wanted me to be), computer software and some hardware (keeping somewhat up to date - more than most people my age), .....
No one wants my skills now. People say, "Go volunteer." But, many volunteers do menial tasks, necessary but not using their skills or talents...just their presence. Sometimes that's all that God requires - my presence.
"People" say - Just enjoy yourself. Do what you want to do. After so many years of pleasing employers, mother, husbands, female partners, friends - I have little idea what I really want. I can tell what I want by making the mistake of choosing something I don't want. I traded my 5 year old Prius for a new Ford Escape. Then I realized I wanted a Prius; so I lost money to get a new Prius.
I moved to a place where I could have an active lifestyle. Chronic disease said, "No, that's not what you will do. You will long for this, but you will not be able to do it." How to change?
Again, as in youth, I do want the impossible. I want to be me. I hope that I can be me before I die and not the person I think "you" (whoever you are) want me to be. I've done the impossible before. Maybe God will help me do it again.
Sunday, January 02, 2011
Divorce is a strange critter
I have been divorced twice and left a committed relationship once, and I can tell you that divorce is a strange critter. My first husband became drug dealer and addict and quit coming home. Mississippi has no-fault divorce, and in 30 days or 90 days or something like that, we were free to go. That was after I told him to come and get all his stuff. He didn't come when he was supposed to; so I put all his clothes and other belongings in paper bags outside the door of my (formerly our) apartment. Eventually, he showed up, after the apartment manager contacted his boss, in his semi and stuffed all the sacks into the side compartment. Later he claimed that the side compartment came open, and his stuff left a popcorn trail along the highway somewhere in Oklahoma. At least, he thought that was what happened.
My second husband and I went through some rigorous pre-marital counseling sessions wherein he agreed that someday we would make the decision about whether or not my mother would live with us, and we examined the likelihood that I would continue to gain weight. After six months he threatened to leave me. I asked him where he was going - no good answer; so he stayed. This happened on a regular basis: he would decide to leave, I'd ask where he was going, he'd decide to stay. In between we had lots of fun together and went lots of places that neither of us would have gone alone. Finally, he stated firmly that he was leaving. I told him he couldn't leave without me (we were living with my mother and that was not good). So, we took off together to find a place where we could get jobs. We settled in North Carolina, and things went well for six months.
Mother was seriously ill, and I'm an only child with a severe guilt complex. So, I galloped down to Mississippi to stay with her. She didn't get better, and the decision about her living with us was a reality. He said okay. I found a house. We all moved in. I had part-time work; he was a teacher in high school. Then, I wrecked the car; he bought a clunker. He began spending late afternoons and Saturdays doing school things. He fell in love with the teacher across the hall. Finally, he said he wanted a divorce. I cried on his shoulder; I had no one else. Shortly, thereafter, I was fixing a problem with his computer and found his love letters to this teacher. We divorced. He paid no alimony, none of his tiny pension fund, but we divided the debts evenly. And, I paid for the lawyer in the settlement. I refused to pay for the divorce, and he finally filed a year or so later. So, we were divorced.
Then, he told me that he had married me because he thought he couldn't find anything better. That's a real confidence builder! No wonder his family hated me.
Okay, so far, everyone relationship I've had ended with the person leaving me. I've never left anyone. Over the years of relationships, I've lost two cars, many friends, a lot of money, and been left hanging out to dry. So, then I'm in a relationship with a wonderful woman. I love her, but living together becomes more and more hazardous to our health. Feelings of aloneness and desperation at not being able to enjoy similar things make us feel as if we are walking on eggs all the time. Something precious was underfoot - those wonderful blown eggs that have been decorated in intricate designs - that's what we walking on - and they're being destroyed. We have counseling for two years. Improvement - regression. Both of us got tired.
Someone came along who loved me long ago and who claimed to still love me. I seized the feeling to give me impetus to leave. Here was the love, the caring, the white knight who would save me. And, I felt swept up in the feelings of long ago mixed with the need to love and be loved in the now. So, I called it quits, packed up and left. The haggling over property began, and, with each step I took in the new relationship, the haggling became worse. I hastened the process. I came with nothing to the old relationship, and I took away a small sum of money, in relative terms to possessions held jointly. I had been supported and indulged for 11 years.
Being the one to leave was not easy. Love dies a hard death, even when new love is springing forth. My desire for a natural death (one of the legal papers to change) wavered towards self-destruction several times. A sense of meaninglessness overwhelmed me. Separating and packing took much longer than I had thought possible - how intertwined and interdependent we had become. I left a lot of "stuff"; I tried to leave the house without much obvious change except my presence and my empty studio. My energy failed and someone was hired to haul my stuff to storage.
Holidays came. My best friend and my former partner were now big buddies and spent Thanksgiving together. My best friend no longer answers my phone calls or emails. Online buddies "defriended" me as they heard how awful I had been and misconstrued some comments. Why I even took my partner's old Christmas stockings! NOT. What on earth would I do with them?
I have come to the conclusion that being left by a partner and leaving a partner bring the same pain, grieving and loss. I'm looking forward to some sunshine, and I pray, if this relationship ends, that I die first.
My second husband and I went through some rigorous pre-marital counseling sessions wherein he agreed that someday we would make the decision about whether or not my mother would live with us, and we examined the likelihood that I would continue to gain weight. After six months he threatened to leave me. I asked him where he was going - no good answer; so he stayed. This happened on a regular basis: he would decide to leave, I'd ask where he was going, he'd decide to stay. In between we had lots of fun together and went lots of places that neither of us would have gone alone. Finally, he stated firmly that he was leaving. I told him he couldn't leave without me (we were living with my mother and that was not good). So, we took off together to find a place where we could get jobs. We settled in North Carolina, and things went well for six months.
Mother was seriously ill, and I'm an only child with a severe guilt complex. So, I galloped down to Mississippi to stay with her. She didn't get better, and the decision about her living with us was a reality. He said okay. I found a house. We all moved in. I had part-time work; he was a teacher in high school. Then, I wrecked the car; he bought a clunker. He began spending late afternoons and Saturdays doing school things. He fell in love with the teacher across the hall. Finally, he said he wanted a divorce. I cried on his shoulder; I had no one else. Shortly, thereafter, I was fixing a problem with his computer and found his love letters to this teacher. We divorced. He paid no alimony, none of his tiny pension fund, but we divided the debts evenly. And, I paid for the lawyer in the settlement. I refused to pay for the divorce, and he finally filed a year or so later. So, we were divorced.
Then, he told me that he had married me because he thought he couldn't find anything better. That's a real confidence builder! No wonder his family hated me.
Okay, so far, everyone relationship I've had ended with the person leaving me. I've never left anyone. Over the years of relationships, I've lost two cars, many friends, a lot of money, and been left hanging out to dry. So, then I'm in a relationship with a wonderful woman. I love her, but living together becomes more and more hazardous to our health. Feelings of aloneness and desperation at not being able to enjoy similar things make us feel as if we are walking on eggs all the time. Something precious was underfoot - those wonderful blown eggs that have been decorated in intricate designs - that's what we walking on - and they're being destroyed. We have counseling for two years. Improvement - regression. Both of us got tired.
Someone came along who loved me long ago and who claimed to still love me. I seized the feeling to give me impetus to leave. Here was the love, the caring, the white knight who would save me. And, I felt swept up in the feelings of long ago mixed with the need to love and be loved in the now. So, I called it quits, packed up and left. The haggling over property began, and, with each step I took in the new relationship, the haggling became worse. I hastened the process. I came with nothing to the old relationship, and I took away a small sum of money, in relative terms to possessions held jointly. I had been supported and indulged for 11 years.
Being the one to leave was not easy. Love dies a hard death, even when new love is springing forth. My desire for a natural death (one of the legal papers to change) wavered towards self-destruction several times. A sense of meaninglessness overwhelmed me. Separating and packing took much longer than I had thought possible - how intertwined and interdependent we had become. I left a lot of "stuff"; I tried to leave the house without much obvious change except my presence and my empty studio. My energy failed and someone was hired to haul my stuff to storage.
Holidays came. My best friend and my former partner were now big buddies and spent Thanksgiving together. My best friend no longer answers my phone calls or emails. Online buddies "defriended" me as they heard how awful I had been and misconstrued some comments. Why I even took my partner's old Christmas stockings! NOT. What on earth would I do with them?
I have come to the conclusion that being left by a partner and leaving a partner bring the same pain, grieving and loss. I'm looking forward to some sunshine, and I pray, if this relationship ends, that I die first.
Saturday, January 01, 2011
Looking at the world in 2011
My very learned friend the Very Reverend Nicholas Knisely, Dean of the Cathedral in Phoenix, AZ, wrote a great blog today: Entangled States - he was making New Year's Resolutions about his study and preaching for 2011. He used words I haven't heard since we were in seminary together almost 20 years ago. Hermeneutics and others.However, he proposed to look at traditional ways of approaching scripture in preparation for preaching and delve into other ways than we learned. He mentioned allegory - I like that since I do a lot of story-telling in the modern vernacular - a kind of allegory that helps people relate to scripture in a different way.
Our classmate, David Keill, posted a picture of himself getting ready for General Ordination Exams (GOEs) and mentioned that he had used a reference to the Simpsons in one of his answers. Unlike yours truly, David aced the exams, and I suspect that Nick did, too. People today seem to respond to the myth of a story - the essence that is true to life regardless of whether the story is factual or not. Helping people find the myth, the idea that will bring them closer to God is what we are supposed to be doing when we preach - at least I think so.
Also, Nick is going to take another look at atonement. Good Baptist that I have never been, I still think of blood atonement/sacrifice when someone mentions this. Atonement for our sins (okay, so I need a good definition of sin before this sentence began, but not going to happen) is mentioned many times in the scriptures, and Jesus' death and resurrection are the traditional way of thinking of atonement. God's son had to die to atone (make right) our sins. I have never been very good at atonement - especially not the stringent atonement that 12 step programs call for. And, I've never understood the idea that God's sending Christ to earth to die and rise from the dead could possibly do anything for my sins. Christ isn't my saviour because he died and rose from the dead; Christ is my saviour because he was God incarnate in humanity. He came to reconnect me and everyone else with God.
And, he's going to look at the energy situation as it relates to churches - of course, that's not how he put it. He said, "Energy Price impact on parish and diocesan life". Christmas Eve I was in a mega-church for a candle-lighting service. The technology was amazing, and I wondered if the techies were paid or volunteer. I wondered at the cost of heating and cooling such a huge arena - well, semi-circular with a large balcony where we sat. The seats were almost all full. Children covered the stage for the reading of the Christmas story from the Gospel of Luke. The buildings of this mega-church were built when energy prices were cheap. They do not have any conservation measures. Lights are standard, the HVAC system will need major repairs or replacements soon, spaces are design conscious instead of energy conscious.
Small churches are closing their doors, not only because they lack trained clergy leaders but also because the buildings have deteriorated and cannot be maintained or replaced with energy efficient new ones. Other reasons contribute to this closure also...the number of people who are unemployed or under-employed, the cost of living (falling housing prices have distorted this), and general disillusionment with organized religion.
I admire Dean Nick a lot; he's also a physicist and writes about string theory and black holes and things I don't understand. But, I think he has some good ideas, and I'll probably follow along with his study during the year. I wish David Keill would post a similar note about his study and teaching for the coming year. David plays in a band, remodels houses and sells them, and has a wonderfully different viewpoint of life than Nick or me.
One thing I may add for myself is a closer look at the energy level of people. Living in a retirement village, I see all sorts of energy levels, but I wonder if the younger people (young adults through early grandparents) have enough energy to keep up with technology, make a living, raise a family, stay connected to extended family, do good in the world and have a spiritual life. My gut tells me "No", and then I wonder what's happening to our children who probably get less attention than they need.
I also intend to keep the litter box emptied more often since it is next to my computer.
Values
Okay, values are like opinions, everyone has them. Some of them are not helpful for living among people. Some are not helpful for preserving the earth. Some are downright destructive. But, most values have both positive and negative sides. For instance, financial values: The love of money is the root of all evil...the Bible says. Having money means having enough food, clothing, shelter, safety. Money can buy a lot of good things. If you don't have enough money, you beg for used clothing, you apply for Section 8 or government housing, you hit the food pantries regularly, and you are not even close to having personal safety. Short of a disaster (natural or created), money can produce safety, good food, new clothing, houses, recreational toys, etc.
If you work and save your money, you can provide for yourself - usually. If you have capital investments, then you need to make sound decisions about your money. We are all concerned about money. For most of us, the question is, "How much is enough?" Divorce attorneys make a lot of money helping people decide that question.
If you only have enough to provide the major needs in a bare way or even a halfway decent way, you know exactly how much is "enough". If you have made a lot of money or inherited a lot of money, you have a vaguer idea of how much is "enough". That's a value decision. Anything that comes along more than that "enough" requires a decision, and that's where values are important.
We humans tend to congregate with and marry persons who have similar values - values about money, being on time, eating meals together, respect, violence, animals, and what is "enough". When we step outside that group with similar values, we tread on dangerous ground. Racism, ageism, sexism and most of the "isms" are generated when we meet and interact with people who have different (but equally valid, good and useful) values.
Now, that's what I want to consider - who judges what is equally valid, good and useful in values. What happens when two people marry who have different values? They either learn from one another or the marriage ends quickly in divorce. Even when they learn from one another, the marriage may still end in divorce. Counseling may help or not.
Love transcends values. Sometimes love is a conscious decision. Sometimes love is a chemical reaction. Sometimes love draws opposites. But, love pays little attention to values. Sex pays even less attention to values. Mixed marriages - those of people of differing values - are harder to maintain and more frequently end in divorce. That's why we have premarital counseling. Of course, pre-love counseling would be better.
How much is "enough" changes with how much you have. How much is "enough" changes with your chosen group. How much is "enough" changes throughout our lives. The values behind that decision of how much is "enough" don't often change. We may acquiesce to another's value decision(s), but changing values is as difficult as changing our beliefs in a higher power or lack of belief. The change requires being "born again", a mountain-top experience, or being broken - a startling event that causes us to look at life differently.
I pray that we will all have those startling events to change our unhealthy values, that we will delve more deeply into the values we have that promote peace and earthly goodness. And, I pray that we will look carefully and consider with love all those people whose values differ from ours.
If you work and save your money, you can provide for yourself - usually. If you have capital investments, then you need to make sound decisions about your money. We are all concerned about money. For most of us, the question is, "How much is enough?" Divorce attorneys make a lot of money helping people decide that question.
If you only have enough to provide the major needs in a bare way or even a halfway decent way, you know exactly how much is "enough". If you have made a lot of money or inherited a lot of money, you have a vaguer idea of how much is "enough". That's a value decision. Anything that comes along more than that "enough" requires a decision, and that's where values are important.
We humans tend to congregate with and marry persons who have similar values - values about money, being on time, eating meals together, respect, violence, animals, and what is "enough". When we step outside that group with similar values, we tread on dangerous ground. Racism, ageism, sexism and most of the "isms" are generated when we meet and interact with people who have different (but equally valid, good and useful) values.
Now, that's what I want to consider - who judges what is equally valid, good and useful in values. What happens when two people marry who have different values? They either learn from one another or the marriage ends quickly in divorce. Even when they learn from one another, the marriage may still end in divorce. Counseling may help or not.
Love transcends values. Sometimes love is a conscious decision. Sometimes love is a chemical reaction. Sometimes love draws opposites. But, love pays little attention to values. Sex pays even less attention to values. Mixed marriages - those of people of differing values - are harder to maintain and more frequently end in divorce. That's why we have premarital counseling. Of course, pre-love counseling would be better.
How much is "enough" changes with how much you have. How much is "enough" changes with your chosen group. How much is "enough" changes throughout our lives. The values behind that decision of how much is "enough" don't often change. We may acquiesce to another's value decision(s), but changing values is as difficult as changing our beliefs in a higher power or lack of belief. The change requires being "born again", a mountain-top experience, or being broken - a startling event that causes us to look at life differently.
I pray that we will all have those startling events to change our unhealthy values, that we will delve more deeply into the values we have that promote peace and earthly goodness. And, I pray that we will look carefully and consider with love all those people whose values differ from ours.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Liturgical favorites
Being an "incarnationist" rather than a "resurrectionist", Christmas is my favorite time of the year. When we begin singing the O antiphons, I sigh deeply and sink into the knowledge that God became like me. The Christmas carols and anthems make my heart leap as Elizabeth's baby leapt in her womb when Mary visited.
Somehow though, part of the Easter service fits better with this part of the year to me.
The Light of Christ!
Somehow though, part of the Easter service fits better with this part of the year to me.
The Light of Christ!
Wednesday, December 01, 2010
Carrying the Past
I don't understand people who don't carry the past with them. Dave says I "dwell" too much, and perhaps that is so. But, I just found a plastic bag full of negatives and proof sheets that belong to someone I once knew - photos of people loved, activities loved, bits of the past. I retrieved them from the trash. Thrown away - good memories along with bad. Now I must decide - mail them to a person who threw them away or throw them away myself.
I collect buttons and lapel pins from all sorts of places, many bought at thrift shops, many from places and events where I have been, most of them have meaning for me. Some are employment pins given each five years for services rendered to the company - a recognition of work. A few are college or specialty school pins. These are from people I never knew. I keep them because they deserve to be remembered - even by a stranger. Did they retire and decide to leave this little bit of their past behind? Are they dead and relatives or friends got rid of the bits and pieces of their lives? Or did they just decide to toss it in the thrift shop basket - a trinket that no longer mattered in their lives?
So, I collect the bits and pieces of people's lives - in pins and buttons, in old jewelry pieces, in photos of kinfolk long dead, in letters I wrote to various people (now returned and waiting for the truth of my life to surface - will it confirm or contradict my memories and my journals?). I collect bits of unsought confessions of weaknesses and mistakes, joys of success and blessings, pains both physical and mental/emotional as people seem to feel they can talk to me. I listen. I am with them where they are.
At least until they begin to toss aside pieces of their past as if they don't matter any longer. Then, I lose part of my empathy. Losing my past would be like losing an arm or leg. I would know something had been there that I could have used today - the body's nerves feel missing pieces. Surgeons cut them out, cut them off and pathologists analyze them; then they are disposed of - the garbage of a body part that no longer functioned.
Some days I carry my past and others' pasts with me too much. When I awake in pain, I am more aware of those pasts and how precious are the lessons learned. When I awake without pain, I can ease these pasts into lessons for today, reaching out to use them.
Today I hurt. The negatives and photographs I found confirm my connections to my past and others' pasts. I hold them close in prayer and thanksgiving. Now, it's time to put them back in the plastic bag and get on with the day. May each person whose past I carry feel the love I am sending from where I am today.
I collect buttons and lapel pins from all sorts of places, many bought at thrift shops, many from places and events where I have been, most of them have meaning for me. Some are employment pins given each five years for services rendered to the company - a recognition of work. A few are college or specialty school pins. These are from people I never knew. I keep them because they deserve to be remembered - even by a stranger. Did they retire and decide to leave this little bit of their past behind? Are they dead and relatives or friends got rid of the bits and pieces of their lives? Or did they just decide to toss it in the thrift shop basket - a trinket that no longer mattered in their lives?
So, I collect the bits and pieces of people's lives - in pins and buttons, in old jewelry pieces, in photos of kinfolk long dead, in letters I wrote to various people (now returned and waiting for the truth of my life to surface - will it confirm or contradict my memories and my journals?). I collect bits of unsought confessions of weaknesses and mistakes, joys of success and blessings, pains both physical and mental/emotional as people seem to feel they can talk to me. I listen. I am with them where they are.
At least until they begin to toss aside pieces of their past as if they don't matter any longer. Then, I lose part of my empathy. Losing my past would be like losing an arm or leg. I would know something had been there that I could have used today - the body's nerves feel missing pieces. Surgeons cut them out, cut them off and pathologists analyze them; then they are disposed of - the garbage of a body part that no longer functioned.
Some days I carry my past and others' pasts with me too much. When I awake in pain, I am more aware of those pasts and how precious are the lessons learned. When I awake without pain, I can ease these pasts into lessons for today, reaching out to use them.
Today I hurt. The negatives and photographs I found confirm my connections to my past and others' pasts. I hold them close in prayer and thanksgiving. Now, it's time to put them back in the plastic bag and get on with the day. May each person whose past I carry feel the love I am sending from where I am today.
Tuesday, November 09, 2010
The Good, Bad and Ugly
Here's humanity at its best, at its worst, and at its craziest.
The Good and Crazy: This is sharecropper and humbug who were married on her birthday a couple of weeks ago. Local friends were invited for a party that became a wedding. The food was good, the company laughed a lot, dress was casual, and we all had a lot of fun.
Humbug and I met 53 years ago in Bermuda. When my Dad was transferred two years later, his father (who shared the building with the post office) destroyed all correspondence between the two of us. Each thought the other had deserted.
When his wife died early this year after a long illness, he began searching for me to apologize (His brother told him what father had done.). I was looking for someone who deserved an apology for me. We were both looking on MyLife. I saw a tab that said, "Who's looking for you", and laughingly clicked on it. His name was at the top. I quickly switched to FaceBook and checked out his profile. Everything fit, and he had left a message for me. So, I wrote him. And, he wrote back.
The Ugly: I was still in a relationship at this time. We had been in couples counseling for two years - doing better, then falling backwards, sometimes farther back than we had been. I was two steps ahead of the counselor who was two steps ahead of my partner. I knew the relationship was over and had planned how I might be able to leave (alone, I am a bag lady), but I had done nothing. After I began emailing with humbug, I asked for a separation. Then I met humbug halfway between our homes.
The Crazy: When we met, we looked at each other for a few moments, he opened his arms, I stepped into them and laid my head on his chest, and I felt as if I had come home. I had kept all his drawings, his notes, the diary, his photos. He had kept me in his heart.
The Ugly again: I went home and told my partner that our relationship was over and asked her to release me from my vows. She did. I began to pack. I asked humbug to come and help me. He did.
Long story shortened. In less than three months, I was out of one relationship and into another. Moved...well, almost all of it. Shifted my bisexual orientation from female to male. Asked for part of the joint properties that my partner and I had owned, been granted some of what I asked for in money and all of what I asked for in "stuff". My partner was stunned, shocked, embittered, grieved, angry and all of those things you would expect...and with reason. As I said before, I was at least four steps ahead of her in ending the relationship anyway. I regret that I could not have taken it slower and been more kindly.
Now, I live in a retirement community in a state I said I would never live in again, married to a man I never expected to see again, and I am happy. For now, the empty holes in me that I tried to fill with things and spending seem to be gone.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Love, parting, tears
Eleven years ago today my partner and I recited our vows to each other in what may have been the first sanctioned Holy Union in our diocese. We were excited after having waited a year to make this major commitment. The joy in our hearts was evident on our faces as our friends and my mother witnessed our vows and participated in the blessing of our home. We promised "All that I am and All that I have Always."
Always lasted more than 10 years though the last few were very difficult. What happened to "always" and how did it become "no more"? Neither of us are sure. We spent more than a year in couples' counseling, making one step forward and drifting backwards after a few weeks or days. We discovered differences in our lives that were significant enough to cause major grief and anger. We walked as if on egg shells for more than a year.
Finally, I asked for a separation and we moved into separate residences. Love was so overwhelming but so very, very difficult.
I am confessing publicly so that others may know they are not alone in handling the end of a love relationship in hurtful way. I had been contacted by my first love (1958); we agreed to meet halfway between our homes and see what 52 years of separation had wrought.
When I returned "home", I asked to be released from my vows with my partner. We both cried. We both knew that our relationship had been dying for some time, and now I struck the final blow to that part of our lives. I walked away with a stony heart; it was the only way I could go - just turn around and leave.
I began packing my stuff, and I have a lot of stuff. I was tired - emotionally, physically and spiritually. How do you say to God, "uh, changed my mind - can't do that always business"? My best friend offered to help - no way - she was far too unemotional to help me sort through generations of memorabilia - besides she had job. My partner offered to help. Bad news there. We would have cried and gotten little done; besides she couldn't sort my stuff. Being the last of my family placed a lot of homespun junk in my boxes and tubs.
So, I called my first love and asked him to come help me; he had no attachments to any of it - except me. Our feelings had blazed like we were teenagers again. Loading and moving tubs and tubs of yarn and stuff cooled our fires a bit...plus age and physical health creep up on you in times of stress.
He and I embarked on a trip to a town reunion in Mississippi. Being on the road together for more than a week would surely douse that fire. We met my cousins; I was present at the deathbed of one cousin; we met my friends of many years, we met his friends and his late wife's sister. We finally arrived in Florida at his home - an alien place called The Villages where golf reigns, silver is the common hair color, and travel is mostly in golf carts.
I return to my "home" in 10 days, to sign papers, make transfers, cry, sort Christmas ornaments and battery operated toys - to finish moving my stuff from the house and the garage. I have handled this breakup poorly - very poorly, but my grieving over it has been going on for more than a year.
I have apologized. However, only time will soften the hurt. The love that I still feel will endure - on that I can promise "always". No matter what other relationships evolve, this love was true; only the pieces didn't fit and the relationship broke apart.
Please encase us in your love, your prayers, and light. All of us. And, please forgive me for my mistakes.
Always lasted more than 10 years though the last few were very difficult. What happened to "always" and how did it become "no more"? Neither of us are sure. We spent more than a year in couples' counseling, making one step forward and drifting backwards after a few weeks or days. We discovered differences in our lives that were significant enough to cause major grief and anger. We walked as if on egg shells for more than a year.
Finally, I asked for a separation and we moved into separate residences. Love was so overwhelming but so very, very difficult.
I am confessing publicly so that others may know they are not alone in handling the end of a love relationship in hurtful way. I had been contacted by my first love (1958); we agreed to meet halfway between our homes and see what 52 years of separation had wrought.
When I returned "home", I asked to be released from my vows with my partner. We both cried. We both knew that our relationship had been dying for some time, and now I struck the final blow to that part of our lives. I walked away with a stony heart; it was the only way I could go - just turn around and leave.
I began packing my stuff, and I have a lot of stuff. I was tired - emotionally, physically and spiritually. How do you say to God, "uh, changed my mind - can't do that always business"? My best friend offered to help - no way - she was far too unemotional to help me sort through generations of memorabilia - besides she had job. My partner offered to help. Bad news there. We would have cried and gotten little done; besides she couldn't sort my stuff. Being the last of my family placed a lot of homespun junk in my boxes and tubs.
So, I called my first love and asked him to come help me; he had no attachments to any of it - except me. Our feelings had blazed like we were teenagers again. Loading and moving tubs and tubs of yarn and stuff cooled our fires a bit...plus age and physical health creep up on you in times of stress.
He and I embarked on a trip to a town reunion in Mississippi. Being on the road together for more than a week would surely douse that fire. We met my cousins; I was present at the deathbed of one cousin; we met my friends of many years, we met his friends and his late wife's sister. We finally arrived in Florida at his home - an alien place called The Villages where golf reigns, silver is the common hair color, and travel is mostly in golf carts.
I return to my "home" in 10 days, to sign papers, make transfers, cry, sort Christmas ornaments and battery operated toys - to finish moving my stuff from the house and the garage. I have handled this breakup poorly - very poorly, but my grieving over it has been going on for more than a year.
I have apologized. However, only time will soften the hurt. The love that I still feel will endure - on that I can promise "always". No matter what other relationships evolve, this love was true; only the pieces didn't fit and the relationship broke apart.
Please encase us in your love, your prayers, and light. All of us. And, please forgive me for my mistakes.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Thanks be to God
Rowan, Bishop of Playing, has posted a great homily on the Beatitudes today on FaceBook. He adapts these verses to include those we love and those with whom we live - our beloved dogs and cats. What a joy to think that those non-humans in our household are also beloved of God! Sometimes we forget that God loves all of creation and not just "good" humans. God looked at creation and said, "It is good." All of it, all of us, all of them (whoever them might be). Creation is good.
To me, the story of the fall is an allegory that tries to explain why bad things happen to good people - very inadequately explain. I don't know why everything is not all good. I don't know why natural disasters happen (other than the scientific explanation). I don't know why violence and murders happen. But, the Fall is not a good enough explanation for me. However, I don't need to know why those things happen. What I need to know is that God found all of creation to be good.
Blessed is creation, a song of praise for the maker! We cry out, "Bless God's holy name!"
The Beatitudes makes all sorts of promises to people. Promises that most of us interpret to be foretelling of the future - after we are dead, after judgment - but the truth is that all are blessed, all receive the promise - and that promise is that God is with us. Immanuel.
Okay. I admit that I pick and choose in the Bible. I discard some ideas and eagerly adopt others. So do we all. And, some of my ideas about God didn't come from the Bible at all, but came from life experiences, from other reading, from "gut" reactions, from dreams, from visions, from conversations. God is among us, and we only have to open our ears and our hearts to know God.
Blessed is creation!
To me, the story of the fall is an allegory that tries to explain why bad things happen to good people - very inadequately explain. I don't know why everything is not all good. I don't know why natural disasters happen (other than the scientific explanation). I don't know why violence and murders happen. But, the Fall is not a good enough explanation for me. However, I don't need to know why those things happen. What I need to know is that God found all of creation to be good.
Blessed is creation, a song of praise for the maker! We cry out, "Bless God's holy name!"
The Beatitudes makes all sorts of promises to people. Promises that most of us interpret to be foretelling of the future - after we are dead, after judgment - but the truth is that all are blessed, all receive the promise - and that promise is that God is with us. Immanuel.
Okay. I admit that I pick and choose in the Bible. I discard some ideas and eagerly adopt others. So do we all. And, some of my ideas about God didn't come from the Bible at all, but came from life experiences, from other reading, from "gut" reactions, from dreams, from visions, from conversations. God is among us, and we only have to open our ears and our hearts to know God.
Blessed is creation!
Friday, August 13, 2010
Following directions
One day you conclude that some of the best networking is in churches - big churches where rich and influential people sit, stand and kneel together with the fireman and his family, the clerk and her children. So, you join the church and begin participating in its activities. They expect you to share your money, your time and your talents. Huh?
Eventually, you have made yourself into what you wish to be professionally or you haven't. You keep going to church because that's where you find your friends. You've done the mission trips, the church school teaching, the choir, the twice yearly clean-up. You've worked the homeless mission, given food for the local food bank, donated money to help those in foreign lands, and been coerced into increasing your donation to the church.
You pull back and realize that you're hanging on to Ayn Rand's philosophies with clenched fingers. I have made myself into who I am. I can do whatever I want because I have freedom. I can dump you at the food bank and never see you again. I can socialize with the top notchers. Then, you wonder why am giving all this money to a church that's fighting over how people have sex or whom they love or which version of the prayer book/hymnal do we use?
You pull back even further and stare at the world around you - hanging onto possessions and principalities with a single-mindedness - just like you're hanging onto your individuality. Just like you're still balancing between the sharing of the church and the individualistic self-preservation of Rand. You've fragmented yourself into thinking either/or.
Some people revert back to their Any Rand tendencies and hoard their money, use their time strictly for themselves, and stow their talents in gym bags.
Other recognize that life is a grand mixture of getting, giving, keeping, sharing, and continuing to grow.
I vacillate between these two ideas - isolating then giving away time and talent that could make me more financially secure in my old, old age. But, like the child who couldn't sleep when the adults were playing canasta in the next room, I'm always afraid that I'm missing something important, something fun, something I really, really need.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Midnight Rambling
Enya's "How Can I Keep from Singing" resounds in my ears tonight along with the whir of my four inch fan that keeps the air circulating here. I feel like singing - even though the witching hour is just past and everyone else in the house is fast asleep. Guess I won't sing. Some days are just better than others.
Hot today as it has been nearly everywhere lately. Pity those poor folk in Moscow - glad I'm not a tourist there. But we survived the heat here. Had a great dinner of baked chicken, asparagus and small red potatoes. Cats have been good tonight - not too much talking back...more a murmuring of agreement when I tell them they are beautiful.
Good hugs, good medical reports - well mostly. How can I keep from singing?
I've almost finished a diagonal scarf as a sample for the shop - used Noro's self-striping yarn in Silk Garden with greys, purple and bright turquoise. I like turquoise in many things. I also like red and cobalt blue. I've grown to like a really good purple and a bright lime green (not fluorescent).
This would be a good time to get in the car and drive to Kinston and back - 4 lane road, 70 mph, cool enough for a window down. Clear my head and my problems - leave them behind - not that I have any real problems. Life is good.
The osprey are migrating wherever they go. I saw ours yesterday, but the young ones are hunting on their own now; so it won't be long. I'll get up one morning and the next will be empty - moving on to other places and lives. I've always wondered how people divided their time between two homes. How do you leave behind the things you love, things that represent good times in your life and go to another place? Do you split your "things" between them - or do you not have "things" but good times, good memories and activity.
As a circle is drawn from a starting point, the pencil comes full around - back to that starting point. Another cycle begins then. A beginning, and ending, different experiences.
Lots of my circles of life are coming around lately, and I wonder what the beginnings will be. One has clearly begun with the discovery of a person very dear to my heart - unseen and unheard for more than 50 years. What a joy! Lots of catching up to do. Shared memories of a good time in our lives.
My surgery (gall bladder removal) marks a time away from the yarn shop. They are surviving okay. The new computer inventory and sales system seems to be working. I'll need more surgery this fall - damaged meniscus - knee - not quite right until three weeks after surgery. Is this a circle that is coming around? What will its new beginning be?
Holidays once standard issue for us - changing - Thanksgiving in Denver. Christmas here. Our tree trimming party always the first Saturday or Sunday evening in December. I'm cooking less and less for the party and ordering more from restaurants and caterers. Still everyone looks forward to this time together. Lisa plays piano and we sing Christmas carols.
So many circles in my life, and I look at them through new eyes. Six years without regular church attendance or participation - now I've taken on the church newsletter. Should be fun. Improved health may get me up early enough to attend services. I hope so.
Peace to all and may the circles of your lives continue with their beginnings and endings.
Hot today as it has been nearly everywhere lately. Pity those poor folk in Moscow - glad I'm not a tourist there. But we survived the heat here. Had a great dinner of baked chicken, asparagus and small red potatoes. Cats have been good tonight - not too much talking back...more a murmuring of agreement when I tell them they are beautiful.
Good hugs, good medical reports - well mostly. How can I keep from singing?
I've almost finished a diagonal scarf as a sample for the shop - used Noro's self-striping yarn in Silk Garden with greys, purple and bright turquoise. I like turquoise in many things. I also like red and cobalt blue. I've grown to like a really good purple and a bright lime green (not fluorescent).
This would be a good time to get in the car and drive to Kinston and back - 4 lane road, 70 mph, cool enough for a window down. Clear my head and my problems - leave them behind - not that I have any real problems. Life is good.
The osprey are migrating wherever they go. I saw ours yesterday, but the young ones are hunting on their own now; so it won't be long. I'll get up one morning and the next will be empty - moving on to other places and lives. I've always wondered how people divided their time between two homes. How do you leave behind the things you love, things that represent good times in your life and go to another place? Do you split your "things" between them - or do you not have "things" but good times, good memories and activity.
As a circle is drawn from a starting point, the pencil comes full around - back to that starting point. Another cycle begins then. A beginning, and ending, different experiences.
Lots of my circles of life are coming around lately, and I wonder what the beginnings will be. One has clearly begun with the discovery of a person very dear to my heart - unseen and unheard for more than 50 years. What a joy! Lots of catching up to do. Shared memories of a good time in our lives.
My surgery (gall bladder removal) marks a time away from the yarn shop. They are surviving okay. The new computer inventory and sales system seems to be working. I'll need more surgery this fall - damaged meniscus - knee - not quite right until three weeks after surgery. Is this a circle that is coming around? What will its new beginning be?
Holidays once standard issue for us - changing - Thanksgiving in Denver. Christmas here. Our tree trimming party always the first Saturday or Sunday evening in December. I'm cooking less and less for the party and ordering more from restaurants and caterers. Still everyone looks forward to this time together. Lisa plays piano and we sing Christmas carols.
So many circles in my life, and I look at them through new eyes. Six years without regular church attendance or participation - now I've taken on the church newsletter. Should be fun. Improved health may get me up early enough to attend services. I hope so.
Peace to all and may the circles of your lives continue with their beginnings and endings.
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